From The Swallow, Vol. 26, Issue 8, March 2014

excerpt from pg. 14:

You made 50 Most your freshman year and narrowly missed our rankings sophomore year. How does it feel to return to Samwell’s hottest list your junior year? It’s nice. Thank you. It’s always great when people have good things to say about you. I appreciate it.

Word ‘round the ‘Well is that you recently attended Winter Screw 2013 with fellow 50-Moster and junior tennis star Camilla Collins. Do you only surround yourself with stunning people? [laughs] Camilla is a fantastic athlete and I’m glad to be her friend.

We’re not professional hockey reporters, Jack. We will call you out when you’re avoiding questions. Camilla is right over there. You’re interviewing her next, aren’t you?

Looks like you two had lunch together. There were chicken tenders today.

Some Samwell hockey fans have recently started a twitter account for one of your most prominent body parts. How do you keep your body so impossibly proportioned? …Hockey is a sport where you squat a lot.

excerpt from pg. 23:

John Johnson. Besides being one of Samwell’s hottest seniors and a hockey player (on a list already populated by members of the Samwell hockey team), you’re one of only a dozen Wellies to have graced the pages of the Magazine four years straight. How does it feel to be so objectively and consistently beautiful? [laughs] I mean, like, don’t get me started on objectivity—especially when it comes to qualities that need to be perceived in order to gain existence in the first place. Man. The whole existence through perception and the imperfection of knowing thing keeps me up at night. [long pause] Theoretically.

We’re not following. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I’m pretty thrilled to be featured in this magazine for a definitely fictional college that exists only in the limited universe of a comic—a comic on the internet which is like 1’s and 0’s. Like, do you know Eric Bittle? He wasn’t even mentioned in this post until 8 words ago. Bro. Like. I’m just—you’re asking me about being in the Swallow and I’m freaking out about how this is all in the same world as like, Bitty’s stuffed rabbit. I’m freaking out right now. [laughs]

Can you talk about your abs? My abs are pretty killer not gonna lie.